Can I just say that it might be time to turn on the heat pretty soon? I still can’t believe November is almost over and we haven’t turned it on yet. But the nights are getting really cold, so we’ll have to give in sooner or later.
Anyway, my last handful of entries have been subscription box reviews. I never intended for the main focus of my blog to be reviews but it’s something I found fun to do, so I will continue writing them. But I also want to make sure I use this spot as a place to write my thoughts. I really need somewhere away from Facebook and Twitter where I can say what is really on my mind without having to worry about people from “real-life” reading it. A diary, if you will.
I don’t even know where to start. It’s funny when you have all these thoughts circling your brain, but you don’t know how to express them. Basically, there’s a lot of back story to what I want to get off my chest, so I’m not sure it will make sense if I leave it all out. But then, I feel my post would be too wordy if I include it all. Hmmmm.
Let me just start by saying I have bad anxiety, so maybe a lot of this is made up in my head. It’s entirely possible. But, I also know that I get hunches and feelings about things, and I usually have a pretty good read on things. So it’s hard to know if it’s the anxiety talking or if I should legitimately feel this way.
I just feel like my best friend has no time for me. But I’m getting a little salty because she always seems to have time for her other best friend. I know a lot of this has to do with jealousy on my end, but I feel like it is justified because I keep getting the short end of the stick. I don’t have a lot of friends, let alone close friends, so it’s hard to see my best friend leave me in the dust.
Truthfully, I don’t think my best friend even knows how she is making me feel, which just makes matters worse. If I speak up and say something, things will be so awkward. I just hate that. I don’t want to cause a fight either. I need to somehow let her know without making it seem like I’m hating on the other girl. I don’t blame the other girl at all. It’s not her responsibility to make sure our friend is being an equally good friend to me, right? So I can’t hold anything against her. I know if I say something about all of this, it would come across as me being unsupportive of their friendship.
A little back story… my best friend was also best friends with this girl many years ago. I am just going to give them fake names so my descriptions make more sense. We’ll call my best friend Jerrica, and her best friend Shana (yes, those are Jem & the Holograms characters!). They went around 5 years without speaking because Shana suddenly decided she didn’t want to be friends with Jerrica anymore. She thought Jerrica gave her a bad name, so she cut her out of her life completely.
I guess Shana had a change of heart and regretted her decision, because a couple of years later, she messaged Jerrica wanting to get together and put the past behind them. But she suddenly changed her mind and blocked Jerrica on Facebook. Fast forward another couple of years and the two of them finally reconciled. Jerrica was still very hurt by what Shana had done to her, but wanted the old friend that she remembered back. Pretty much ever since, these two have been inseparable.
My friendship with Jerrica has been 11 years strong. She really is my favourite person outside of my immediate family. Actually, I would probably place her above most of my family, too. :P So what is bothering me? Ever since she became friends with Shana again, she’s always with her, and she always seemed to hide it. I tried to subtly hint about it but I don’t think it worked, and I was too chicken to come out and say it.
Maybe I just expect too much from her. But at the same time, we have always had a “TMI” relationship. We tell each other everything. Or so I thought. Literally, she knows everything that goes on with me. If I went out with a different group of friends, she knew about it. Not because I needed permission or because she had to know what I was doing, but because it’s just the way we are. No, were. I would come home and tell her about how awkward it was, or what interesting thing came up in conversation. I liked telling her this stuff because my boyfriend couldn’t care less about girl talk, so it was nice having someone to share everything with.
So while I continued to overshare my life, I noticed her life got a lot more secretive. It just made me wonder why. Why doesn’t she want me to know she is hanging out with her? What is the big deal? Why do I always read so much into things? I could be totally off, but it’s just how I felt. I think a big part of it was because when the two of them were first working out their issues and becoming friends again, Jerrica really leaned on me for support. It was hard on her, and I was very supportive and encouraging, and talked to her a lot about it. So to go from sharing everything to seemingly hiding stuff, it just feels so sketchy to me.
Things changed a little and Jerrica began telling me some things. She never wanted to use Shana’s name when saying, “I went to ___ and did ___.” I literally had to ask who she went with every time, and I found that so odd. And I still rarely heard about the fun things they did together, which for me is just so weird, considering how we always relay our stories to each other. But at least it seemed like she wasn’t trying to hide it as much as before. I don’t even know if she was actually trying to hide anything at all. It’s just all the way it was coming across to me.
I also noticed a serious decline in our hang out time. It really sucks because she’s the only person I feel comfortable saying on the day of, “hey, let’s do something.” Everyone else, I feel like I need to make plans in advance. But, she never seems available. For me, that is. Why are you so busy with work and can’t hang out with me but you always have time for her? It’s just making me mad at this point.
We just had a conversation about how busy she is and she’s working every day so she doesn’t have time to hang out right now. But then I see pictures of her and Shana on Facebook hanging out……okay. I wonder if she realizes how that makes me feel? Don’t tell me that you don’t have time to hang out with me, but then apparently have the time to hang out with other people. That’s not fair at all. I’m at the point where I don’t even want to invite her to do anything. It’s just always a no. It’s one thing if she was being truthful but when you make time for one friend, and not your best friend, put yourself in their shoes and try to see how it feels.
She really is a good friend, and I hate saying anything negative about her. But this is something that has been simmering in my mind for quite some time, and this whole “too busy” thing has perhaps sent me over the edge. We even had a conversation recently how people say they are too busy as an excuse and if they really want to talk to someone, they’ll make time. I guess it’s one thing to say it, and another to actually follow through with it.
I’m sure she would have a perfectly good explanation for everything I’m saying, but at this point, I’m just done. Not done with the friendship. Just done with being understanding. Because I don’t understand. I would hate to make my best friend feel like she doesn’t matter. She matters a lot to me. She’s the one person I feel like I can share everything with, and I just want it to go back to that. I want to see her. I want to do fun things, or just chill, or go shopping, or eat. I don’t care. I want her to share things with me like she used to. Did I do something to make her want to hang out less? Or talk less? Is this my paranoia talking?
Maybe I’m just not fun to talk to anymore. The reason I bring that up is because of the way Jerrica is when she is with Shana. Those two are just awful for judging other people on their lives and the way they look. Jerrica is always tagging Shana on Facebook on sassy memes about judging people, and it just rubs me the wrong way. Why are you so proud of that? It’s interesting that Shana stopped being friends with Jerrica because she thought Jerrica gave her a bad name, but it was the other way around. Shana rubs off on Jerrica so much and it makes me sad.
So maybe I am just getting less and less fun to hang out with. If sitting around talking shit is “fun,” then I’m glad I’m not fun. I don’t know. Most of the time, when Jerrica and I do hang out, I feel like she wants to be there. But I always feel like she only wants to hang out for an hour. I know I need to stop comparing our friendships, but it really bothers me that she will hang out with Shana all day and night, but I only get a short time. I would never expect someone to hang out with me all day, but when you’re having fun and have no other plans, why end it after such a short time? That’s why I don’t get it.
Anyway, this has turned into an essay, and I still feel like I haven’t accurately expressed everything that I wanted to. There’s just way too many details I left out, but this will just drag on even longer if I try to include them all. I just feel like I seem like I’m just being jealous. Which maybe I am, but it’s hard not to when someone else changes your friendship with someone so much.